As a child, somehow the things that translated as loved, valued, seen, and cherished were only expressed when I was sick. Guess what? I was sick a lot! Tonsillitis became a near constant companion. Never once did the lab come back strep positive. But those old tonsils of mine were huge—inflamed—made swallowing nearly impossible. And Mom would put a cool rag on my head to bring the fever down, bring a blanket to me on the couch, along with a cup of sweet, hot tea and a piece of cinnamon toast cut in triangles. In my pre- and elementary school years, those triangle toasts spelled LOVE.
Fast forward a couple decades, past high school, tonsillectomy, and marriage. I’m trying to figure out what it means to walk as a child of God, and it becomes overwhelmingly apparent that sickness and disease are things that Jesus came to bring us freedom from. Meaning, I had a decision to make. Was I going to continue holding the conclusions I’d assumed in childhood—that the only time anyone cared for me in a way that felt loving was if I were in the throes of painful sickness? Or would I have to figure out a grown-up way to get my need for love and affection filled? Insert heavy sigh here.
My grown self knew the answer immediately. The sad, lonely little self wasn’t so sure. A bit of an impasse. And we all know that brow-beating, shaming, punishing, and forcing are tools not sanctioned for use in the Kingdom of God—and, news flash, that goes for when you’re working on yourself as well. I was going to have to explore adulting avenues. Like opening my mouth and asking, knowing the answer might not be what I was hoping for. Or maybe, just maybe, I could learn how to trust God to fill the need. Yikes—not sure how that was going to look or play out—but it was the only way through the minefield my childish mind had created.
The process was a bit like unknotting a necklace. The links are there—just misaligned. Was it wrong to want or need love, affection, or even attention? No. Was expecting others to read my mind wrong? As a child, no. As an adult? Probably. Was admitting need and asking those positioned in my life to provide those things wrong? Here’s the sticky wicket.
If the answer was no—then no problem… let’s move ahead, full steam. If the answer was yes, then I was in a childish world of trouble, since I had also recently learned that manipulation was a Kingdom-of-God no-no.
That was when 1 Corinthians 13:11 transferred from page to reality and has been repeated since, more times than I can recall. The mental exercise has been condensed into what I call The 4 Rs: Recognize ~ Repent ~ Renounce ~ Replace
It’s pretty straightforward.
Recognize. This might not be as easy as it sounds. Blind spots, mindsets, pride, upbringing—many factors contribute to the propensity to maintain the status quo. But once there is awareness, it’s decision time. And if the decision is for change, it’s time to repent and/or renounce.
Repent is a sincere regret for participating in, believing in, agreeing with, ignorantly going along with, or refusing God’s ways. The options are endless, but once that is clarified, next comes renunciation.
Renounce means to formally declare one’s abandonment of a claim, a right, or a possession. It might look something like:
“I surrender my right to be embittered, hold resentment, be controlling… ________________ is no longer mine. The Lord Jesus Christ has requested that I trust Him to handle the situation, and I have chosen to honor His request. This is no longer mine. I trust Him, His ability, and the authority His blood has secured.”
Replace. There might be a void left, and now is the perfect time to ask that it be replaced with something of the Lord’s choosing.
“Lord, is there anything You would have for me instead of the bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness…? If so, I receive it now in exchange for what You’ve taken.”
Listen with your spiritual ears—what do you feel or sense is offered in exchange? Peace? Grace? Deeper understanding? New perspective? Compassion?
Whatever it is, you can rest assured that you’ll come out ahead on the deal.
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