All great revelations were, at one point, revolutionary. After a couple of years (decades or millennia) they are relegated to common-place- and this-is-how-it’s-always-been status. Sad really.
Twenty-five years ago Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages was one such revelation. Thankfully, in many circles, it hasn’t lost its luster, and the truths explained on its pages are still helping mend relationships and build bridges of deeper understanding.
With Valentines Day just around the corner, there’s a good chance you wont find the time to read this great book to figure out the best way to express your love to the loved ones in your life—so here’s the condensed version:
1. Words of affirmation
“Having you in my life is the greatest...”
“You are fantastic.”
“I really appreciate that you...”
2. Spending quality time together
“I’m going to ______, care to join me?”
“Let’s get together for ______.”
3. Gifts
“I saw this and thought of you.”
“It’s nothing fancy but I made this for you.”
“I remember you saying how much you liked it when you came to my house, so here, it’s yours.”
4. Kind acts of service
“I’ll watch the kids so you can...”
“I would love to help you ....”
“Here’s a meal, I know how busy you’ve been lately...”
5. Physical touch
Holding hands, touching a shoulder, a hug.
A word of caution, there’s a really good chance your native love language is different than that of the person you want to bless. There’s a good chance you are going to feel awkward, just like I feel every time I say, ‘gracious’ at a Mexican restaurant. Maybe so awkward that you abandon the idea altogether. Don’t! Just stick with it.
Love’s expression isn’t about you. It’s about the other person, (adults and children alike). It’s not important that you know you love them. It’s important that they know it. And the easiest way to communicate that is in their language. And just like the Tijuana taxi driver who drove me to the airport in San Diego back in 2003, he knew I was linguistically challenged, but that didn’t lessen his appreciation of my efforts to navigate the verb tenses and sentence structures of his native tongue. Your loved one will appreciate your efforts as well.
If you’re not sure what your loved one’s language preference is, just look back over their life and recall what they’ve done in their attempts to show you love and appreciation. Or, you can just ask what it is that you can do or give them that would make them feel loved. And whatever they say, do not demean it. You will belittle their request for a hug, or help by declaring it insignificant and then trumping their request with something more in tune to what speaks “I love you” in your preferred language. When a hug, a hand, or an hour of solitude is what they want, don’t insult them with a box of chocolates. If they say flowers or wool socks, don’t belittle it by throwing a party with 50 of their closest friends.
Love is never about self. Authentic love is always about someone else.
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